WHY BIDEN'S CHOICE TO BOMB OUTER SPACE IS SO DAMN EXCITING
By Lee Camp, ScheerPost.com.
March 30, 2021 | EDUCATE!
Above photo: Tyler Merbler / CC BY 2.0.
At A Time Of Unprecedented Crises, What Americans And The World Needs Most
Is Obviously Another Arena For Humans To Annihilate Each Other In.
President Biden has announced he will be continuing to build Donald Trump's
Space Force - an idea Trump probably dreamed up while high on some bizarre
pills his special "doctor" gave him and had left the rubber cement jar open
on his desk. The Space Force is the new branch of our military designed to
conquer and kill things in outer space. That might not be word-for-word from
their mission statement, but I'd wager it's close. Pretty sure their jackets
say, "Let's kill some shit in space." And, let's face it - we don't know
what's in outer space. But whatever it is, we know it needs to be killed.
Before you ask - Yes, Space Force is exactly what humanity desperately needs
right now. Having spent millions of years killing and conquering and
torturing each other here on the terra firma, I think we're all feeling
kinda claustrophobic and bored. I think we all want to get out into the wide
open infinite territory of the great and awesome cosmos and murder our
fellow humans there, for a change. (If anyone's wondering, the answer to the
Fermi Paradox - Where are all the aliens? - is that all intelligent
civilizations eventually develop the technology to kill themselves at the
push of a button. Eventually someone, well, pushes the button. . His name is
usually Tony.)
Space Force is also just the thing Americans need right now because our
infrastructure is collapsing, our environment is struggling, our political
system is only a half goose-step away from fascism, and our spiritual health
is blinking red "ALERT." Most of us can't figure out a purpose for life
other than just cleaning out the industrial pork-smasher in the back of Taco
Bell. So considering how well things are going in this-the number one
country on the planet-it's time to expand to greener pastures (which are
mostly pitch black). It's time to expand into the Milky Way in order to grow
our parasitic, deadly socioeconomic system. (I'm pretty sure MLK Jr. said
something similar, not in a speech but in a diner in Tennessee.)
And think about it - ever since the maiden rocket escaped Earth's atmosphere
and explored space for the first time, most of the discussion, thought,
preparation, and planning we've done has been. well. positive and
cooperative. It's almost exclusively been about discovery and exploration
and science and knowledge. You know-all that wussy shit. We have not spent
enough time really looking into how we can kill a lot of people from space.
I mean, sure, our Pentagon has always had a few blueprints lying around that
say, "Maybe we could shoot Russians with moon lasers," but for the most
part, we've had cooperation at the International Space Station, and we've
celebrated space exploration as human beings rather than just stewing in
fury that the Chinese achieved something or the Russians did something. We
shared vodka up on the International Space Station for fuck's sake! Enough
of this "Kumbaya let's all live together in harmony" horseshit! I agree with
Joe Biden - it's high time we got into the killing mood.
We need more guns and bombs, and nuclear shit (strapped to robots, of
course). That's the only way we'll achieve peace.
The nuclear weapons we have here on Earth would only allow for the full
destruction of humanity a few hundred times over. A study found that if 100
nuclear weapons were used, the environmental destruction to the planet would
be immense - wiping out most life, obviously including the countries who
SHOT the weapons. All it would take is 100 nuclear bombs to truly ruin
everything humans have ever known.
Yet, humanity now owns roughly 13,000 nukes (as the kids call them) - most
of those are in the U.S. and Russia.
I say "roughly 13,000" because who knows where EVERY nuclear bomb is.
There's probably a couple in some guy's shed that he got from a yard sale
outback a Waffle House in Quantico, VA. I mean, you can't expect us to keep
track of every single one. That requires paperwork and data entry. Who has
the time?
Point being, we easily have enough nuclear bombs to kill humanity 150 times
over, and Joe Biden's actions make it clear that we need more. What if we
wipe out life on earth 150 times, and then want to keep going, huh? What
then? You never know what mood we'll be in at that point. I bet after
watching several billion humans perish, you might be in a bit of a funk. And
you might want a cigarette, a shot of strong whiskey, and to fire some
nuclear fucking weapons! And maybe, just maybe, you want to fire them from
space. And yet, if we don't keep the Space Force going, you won't be able to
do that. And then how bummed will you be?!
It's time for humanity to find bold new areas of the galaxy wherein to
murder each other. For all we know, when you shoot someone on Venus their
body explodes into a thousand shards of frozen blood and flesh (which sounds
awesome), but we haven't tried it yet because we've been too stingy to
devote the resources to getting it done. Now is the time for that scientific
endeavor.
I have an idea. Maybe once we funnel even more funds into our new Space
Force, we can bomb climate change into submission. Has anyone thought of
that? It's worth a try. You know what they say, "When your only tool is a
hammer. every problem can totally be bombed!"
Point being, I want to say thank you, President Biden. Thank you for pushing
us ever closer to extinction - in a unique and interesting way, you
belligerent, warhawk, senile old bag of wrinkles.
Our government spends trillions upon trillions of dollars on various wars
and war zones - recently adding outer space to the list - and meanwhile
regular people, here on the ground, continue to suffer immensely.
One in three Americans had trouble paying their bills last year - but we're
sending guns to outer space.
Tens of millions have lost their employer-based health care coverage since
the pandemic began-but we're sending guns to outer space.
We can't get vaccines and treatments to people who desperately need them
during a pandemic-but we can get guns to outer space! .And at the end of the
day, isn't that all that matters?