Året traditionella Jul/Nyårsnovell, på högaktuellt ämne! Finns också i nya
Intermission, som går att betälla om du inte fått detta eminenta E-zine! (This
year's traditional Xmas/New Year's short story, on the hot topic of today! Also
in new Intermission, which you can order if you haven't received this eminent
E-zine!) --AE
-----
THE HICCUP PLAGUE
"You can die from hiccups," Ture Agnell said, chief epidemiologist of the
National Health Agency. "To
go through more or less violent spams several times per minute puts a huge
stress on your body. If it
goes on for hours, days it may cause everything from a heart attack to a
stroke. So we'd..."
The pack of assembled reporters had fell silent as Dr Agnell began to speak.
But when they got the
chance they were like a bloodhounds on the scent for big news:
"Doctor, doctor," one of the bull terriers barked. "Can you say..."
"Say, what causes the hiccups?" a journalist with hair resembling a poodle
growled.
"From whe*hick*re did it come?" a third said with a howl like a beagle.
The last one looked embarrassed. He had it! The hiccup virus. The others
stepped back and formed
an empty circle around the reporter, now looking like a sad puppy...
Dr Agnell did his best to answer all the questions one by one.
It was a mutated version of an ordinary flu virus and it had come from China.
The mutation made it
more dangerous in a strange way. The communists first tried to hide it. Those
little rascals are always
up to their funny little pranks, aren't they! They claimed it was just
something coming from eating bad
rice, but soon they were forces to spill the beans. Their 24/7 Surveillance
System of Everyone could
neither hide it or stop it. And it spread.
Hiccups are sudden involuntary contractions of the diaphragm, causing more or
less painful
paroxysms. Medical science isn't sure of what causes it. It comes from
somewhere in the digestive
system or the throat area. It may appear when you have eaten too much or
swallowed air, but it may
also burst out without any obvious explanation.
The new thing is that it this time seemed to be contagious and it was caused
by a virus. These tiny
microbiological machines are not defined as life, as they can't self-reproduce
by themselves but need
a host cell to multiply. And they would gladly attack the nerve system and
stomach and throat and
anything. Having the hiccups may seem a little bit funny at first, but after
five minutes it becomes
irritating, after ten very painful and after an hour serious cause for concern.
Most people being infected fortunately had the hiccups for just a brief time.
In many cases the
infection passed without any symptoms at all! But for a minority it became very
dangerous as it could
last for days, even weeks.
You can't sleep. You become exhausted. Your body systems slowly collapse.
After a few days being
awake you begin to hallucinate. The elderly and people with underlying
conditions like high blood
pressure, having cancer treatment , being obese, diabetes, or other medical
issues were the
vulnerable ones.
The traditionally known cures were effective only in mild cases. You know, to
slowly drink a glass of
water, to hold your breath for one minute, or being suddenly scared by
something. But as the hiccups
this time came from a virus, maybe a vaccine could be developed? The leading
producers of
everything from aspirins to 10 000-Dollar cancer cures jumped at it, Scheisser,
Ass-A-Cynica,
Murdema and the rest of the merry gang grabbed their microscopes and test tubes.
Millions of people had the hiccups within just a few weeks. Many didn't even
notice it. And for most it
just came and went. But why waste a perfectly good crisis? The Prime Minister
had to think of the
opinion polls and the evening news on TV. He must look like that he stood at
the helm and steered
the stricken ship through the storm. So the PM decided to call for a press
conference.
He stepped out on the podium. Behind him hang national flags with the fabric
in beautiful but totally
unnatural folds, The secret is to use lots of hairspray! The PM had used some
too. On his lectern was
a placard placed, reading:
PROTECT THE HOSPITALS
Drink Water * Hold Your Breath * Scare Someone
But if you'd expect he'd do anything but scaring folks, you shouldn't hold
your breath! He had heard
the advice from the National Health Agency, boring things like washing your
hands and keeping your
distance and bla bla. He'd show them who decides!
"The cabinet has met and I have...we have decided on a few emergency
measures..."
The press held their breath, as if that would help. Some where only present
on screens, though
there had been a few technical hiccups to make that work.
"To protect the health care system it is absolutely necessary for everyone
stay at home. So there will
be a curfew except for essential errands. All shops and restaurants will be
closed, except for selling
essential items. Don't travel! Don't meet anyone! No sale of alcohol!"
His boring teetotaller Minister of Lower Education had insisted on the last,
not realising that it would
make new drink recipe soon go viral : "Dry Medicini: 1 Olive, 1 part Vermouth,
3 parts Hand
Sanitizer".
"But if everyone is being locked up in the home and everything closes, sir,
how on Earth will people
earn a living?" a reporter inquired.
"I wasn't finished. The government will of course pay everyone for that.
Here's the slide presenting
our economic program..."
A slide with tables and diagrams appeared behind the PM.
"It rather looks like an uneconomic program, sir," another reporter shot out.
"How will all this be paid
for? Are you going to print money?"
"No, of course not," the PM said.
Stupid question. The national bank didn't print much money any more. They
pressed a few
computer buttons and created money. Damn the triple torpedoes of inflation,
higher taxes and
skyrocketing deficit!
"Excuse me, sir," another of these damned weasels pondered. "But from
statistics we know the
hiccup virus is only dangerous for the elderly and those with underlying
medical conditions. Why
incarcerate the 99% who aren't at risk and crash the economy, instead of just
protecting the old and
vulnerable? The health risks from unemployment, bankruptcies, isolation and so
are considerable."
The PM took a glass of water and drank it slowly. "Oh, this will only last
for a couple of weeks. I
forgot, everyone has to wear an uncomfortable mask too. Next question!" he
finally said.
The pundits in the press speculated that the government this way just wanted
to create a hug
collective scare, to frighten the hiccups away.
But two weeks became two months. Bankruptcies and unemployment reached very
interesting
levels. All airlines kept their expensive jets on the ground. International
trade halted. Many shelves in
the supermarkets echoed empty, like for clorex and loo paper. Borders closed.
Police patrolled the
streets to check that no one ruthlessly, masklessly walked his dog. But they
left the long lines to all
new soup kitchens alone, as long as the poor folks stood at least 200
centimetres apart.
Telecom operators had a steady and increasing income from the domestic abuse
and suicide help
lines. Walmazone, the world monopoly on on-line sales, had even more wonderful
days. Two months
became four, became six, became... The weeks dragged on and on and on.
Meanwhile, the pillars of medical research, the pill companies, were ready to
pillage the vaccine
market to make a pillow for our worried heads. One vaccine candidate was
discarded as it needed to
be stored at -270 degrees Celsius. The Russians tested the vaccines Vostok,
Voshod, Saljut and Mir
before they finally succeeded with a syringe full of Venera, named after their
Venus probes. The
name may have been a bit unwise since rumours began that it gave you venereal
diseases.
Anyway, after some trial and error the vaccines came. They had gone through
testing phase 1 and
2 and 3 and 2 again and 2.5 and 3 again and circling back to phase 3.14159 and
at last being
approved for emergency use.
The PM had asked FM, his finance minister, to join him in his office. A
committee from Scotland's
Heriot-Watts University, famous for their know-how of economics, would present
their long-awaited
report on how the hiccup crisis had affected the world economy, or what was
left of it. What would
happen now with unemployment, trade, deficits, inflation, stock markets and
everything down to the
price of toilet paper. But the PM and FM now learned that the World Health
Organisation would have
a press conference about the vaccine rollouts, at the same time.
The PM could go through thousands of pages of legislation drafts and navigate
through hundreds of
bureaucratic paragraphs, but was at loss handling the TV's remote control. He
wanted to check the
vaccine situation first, on Channel One.
"How do you operate this little bugger," he said helplessly to FM "I need
channel one."
"Who's on first?" FM asked.
"WHO," PM answered.
"Watts on second," FM said. "II must follow that. Can you switch?"
"Why switch channel if you don't know what's on?"
"That's right. Watts on."
"What's on second?"
"I told you. Watts. Why do you want the first channel. Who's on first?"
"WHO. Now if I can find the right button..."
"To watch... Who did you say?"
"That's right. WHO's on first."
"Watts on second...But who's on first now again?"
"WHO!"
"What?"
"What's on second?"
"Watts!"
And so on. The two highest officials of the government became none the wiser.
As if anyone had
imagined they were to start with.
It all seemed to go well with the vaccines. Thousands got their shots the first
day and soon hundreds
of thousands. Within a month millions of doses had been distributed and
injected. But since the
vaccines had gone through very fast and short tests, no one was really sure if
there weren't long-term
side effects.
"I'm worried," Dr Ture Agnell said to his closest associate at the National
Health Agency, one Dr
Abbott Costello.
"Yes, I have seen the reports too," Dr Costello said. "We knew that the
shortage of time would
make it difficult to see long-term side effects..."
"Most aren't affected," Dr Agnell said. "As with the original virus it's a
tiny minority that gets it. It turns
up after about a month. It's not death threatening in most cases, but means a
certain risk, mirroring
the original virus."
"Have you any idea what it comes from?"
"Well, the original hiccup virus juggled around quite heavily with the
digestive system, some effects
from a little more juggling can't be unexpected."
Dr Agnell sighed. It might mean more questionable lockdowns. Children left
behind, divorces,
drugs. Even greater economic disaster. Many more deaths from cancer and other
illnesses an
epidemic would block from being treated. More of politicians sitting on their
high horses, trying to
pretend to be in charge of microbiology, ordering the entire population to be
incarcerated.
"We are between a rock and a hard place," Dr Costello said. "It's a mess."
"Yes," Dr Agnell agreed."I have never heard of such a side effect. Sure,
people are free from the
darn hiccups. But instead, for hours and days at end they begin to burp..."
--Ahrvid Engholm
--
ahrvid@xxxxxxxxxxx/Follow @SFJournalen on Twitter for latest skiffy news/Driver
SKRIVA för författande, sf, fantasy, kultur (skriva-request@xxxxxxxxxxxxx subj:
subscribe) & Fantastiknovelltävingen http://ahrvid.bravejournal.com/ Läs AE i ;
Novellmästarnas antologier och Mord på månen (även ljudbok). C Fuglesang: "stor
förnöjelse...jättebra historier i mycket sannolik framtidsmiljö",
http://elib.se eller på bibliotek. /YXSKAFTBUD GE VÅR WCZONMÖ IQ-HJÄLP! ;(DN NoN
00.02.07)
-----
SKRIVA - sf, fantasy och skräck * Äldsta svenska skrivarlistan
grundad 1997 * Info http://www.skriva.bravewriting.com eller skriva- ;
request@xxxxxxxxxxxxx för listkommandon (ex subject: subscribe).