[projectaon] Re: Play-test (LW 21)
- From: Jonathan Blake <blake.jon@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: Anders Österberg <Anders_Osterberg@xxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Thu, 14 May 2009 14:25:11 -0700
On Mon, May 11, 2009 at 11:10 AM, Anders Österberg
<Anders_Osterberg@xxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
> Where did the new illustrations come from? I recognise the ones from the
> equipment section, but the ones from the Grand Master Disciplines are
> unfamiliar to me.
The new illustrations in the Disciplines section come from the later
New Order books illustrated by Brian Williams.
> Secondly, the language:
>
> I encountered numerous 'terrorized' and 'realized', but at the same time I
> have seen 'neighbor' spelled 'neighbour', 'color' 'colour', and so on. I
> haven't been with Project Aon long enough to know what your policy is: do
> you use American English, British English, or some kind of hybrid? Since Joe
> Dever himself seems to mix them rather freely I guess it would be easiest to
> ignore these inconsistencies, especially since this affects all the books; I
> was just wondering what our policy on this subject is?
Yeah, we flirted with making the language more purely British, but the
hybridization ;) is so pervasive that the cost wasn't worth the
benefit.
> The Story So Far... The 7th paragraph: "your home world". Shouldn't there be
> a hyphen there? "your home-world"?
I don't know of any standardization of this phrase, though it seems OK as-is.
> And while I'm in the territory of nit-picking: the first paragraph is just
> one sentence. When I wrote my university papers I learned that one sentence
> does not equal one paragraph. There has to be at least two sentences in
> order to form a paragraph. That's how it works in Swedish at least, I don't
> know if it's the same in English.
> I haven't bothered to check if this occurs elsewhere since I don't know if
> this qualifies as an error or not.
Not really. The rules about how a paragraph should be formed are vague.
> New Order Kai Grand Master Disciplines, Astrology: "Mastery of this
> Discipline enables a New Order Grand Master to predict and shape the future
> by studying the relative positions of the Sun, the Moon, and the myriad
> planets and stars."
>
> It looks better with an 'of' there: "and the myriad /of /planets and stars".
The English here is slightly flowery, and perfectly acceptable.
> Same thing with Elementalism: "By drawing upon individual elements that are
> available, or combinations thereof, he is able to detach, affix, increase,
> concentrate, intensify, remove, or accelerate this matter to fulfil a
> specific purpose, e.g. create a wall, hurl a rock, spray sand, remove air,
> intensify fire."
>
> It looks better if it reads: "spray sand, remove air, /or/ intensify fire."
Perhaps, but it's still OK as-is. When there's no clear error or where
the meaning is clear enough, we try to leave it alone. (That's the
theory anyway.)
> More nit-picking:
>
> Section 75: "The crackling bolt ignites timber and sail, and leaves a dozen
> men sprawled dead and unconscious across the decks."
>
> It's a bit hard to be dead and unconscious at the same time, isn't it? ;-)
> 'and' should be replaced with an 'or'.
Agreed.
> 104: "It is shortly before dusk when Captain Raker brings his damaged ship
> limping into the harbour of Cape Kabar..."
>
> "Limping"? A case of Joe Dever's humour, I take it? The question is, should
> it stay, or be replaced?
This fits one dictionary definition: "to progress slowly and with
great difficulty".
> 281: "you are both shocked when you discover that half his complement of
> crew have been killed or badly wounded."
>
> Another case of the English mix of plural and singular I find so odd. In my
> opinion there should be 'has' there instead of 'have'.
In this case, using the plural verb connotes that the action took
place individually, i.e. each crew member was killed or badly wounded
as an individual, not as part of the group. Confusing? I agree.
> 290: "the Bavarian gladiatorial circus". Ha! I spotted another of Joe's
> little jokes. I wonder how far back he planned to use that. He could have
> given the town any name, but he chose Bavari(a). :-)
> In the same section: "uncemented stone blocks which rise to twice the height
> of a horse." This is a bit unclear, does it mean from the withers, the full
> length from nose to tail, or what?
I don't know how other languages handle it, but height is generally a
vertical measurement while an animal is standing. Otherwise, it would
have been a length. In any case, I'm not sure it makes a big
difference in the narrative to know the difference.
> 44: The Grandmaster is hit by an arrow in the left shoulder, but nowhere
> does it say how many Endurance Points you lose. It's a grievous wound, so he
> should lose at least 4-5 EP. Otherwise, it would just seem ridiculous
> (insert mandatory Black Knight joke here).
> Section 223 is another case, where the Grandmaster has his windpipe crushed
> without any lasting effect.
You've got a good point, though I'm not sure how we would correct
this. We've never (as far as I recall) added and EP loss to the books.
We've decided that's outside our prerogative. And I'm not sure that
pointing it out in a footnote would help either. Perhaps it could be
explained away as Kai healing skills. :)
> 20, 285. There is always some variation in these kind of parallel sections,
> but in section 285 the woman says: "The fiend... it's struck again!" In
> section 20 she says: "the fiend... it's struck!" I miss the 'again' there,
> especially after the Grandmaster has been told that the Deathstalker (a.k.a.
> 'the fiend') has killed 50 people. No error perhaps, but the sentence just
> seems unfulfilled.
Maybe ignorance is bliss in this case. The version in 20 isn't wrong,
so OK as-is.
> Another odd thing that may not be an error, but is very peculiar none the
> less, is section 170, compared to section 322. In 170 you aim for Dar-Isun's
> head with a bow. Now, if you miss you hit a man standing behind him in the
> throat, but if you hit him the arrow is deflected against his helmet. A
> useless shot. While, in section 322, if you miss the Otokh with your arrow,
> nothing happens, but if you hit, you accidentally hit a man in the throat.
> Is that some kind of hidden irony in there, or just neglect from Joe's side?
How should we fix this?
> 77, 194, 249. 'douggas', 'Zuath', and 'flomi'. Horse, spider and rabbit. I
> have always had difficulty determine when a word should be capitalized and
> when it should not. Is there a particular reason why the horses (douggas)
> and rabbits (flomi) have small letters while the spider (Zuath) has a
> capital letter?
Since the spider is never involved in a combat, nor is it a sentient
race, house rules say that it shouldn't be capitalized.
> 314. "your homeland province of Ruanon". Maybe it's the phrasing, but it
> sounds like the Grandmaster comes from Ruanon?
Maybe so. :)
--
Jon
~~~~~~
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