Okay. I've read through it, and it wasn't much to comment on. Just a few things:
* In the story so far, second paragraph: "thirty-three years after the First Order of the Kai were almost wiped out..." I've brought this up before, but should it really be a "were" there? It sounds wrong in my Swedish ears. Wouldn't it be better with a "was" since there is only one group of Kai? I have the same problem with "the crowd are/is". Maybe it's correct English, but I'll never get used to it.
* In the story so far, paragraph 10: "he pointed to a landlocked realm east of the great River Storn." West. The landlocked realm [Eldenora] lies on the west bank of Storn, so it should read "west of the great River Storn."
* Section 346: "you [...] give thanks to Ishir that the riders were not armed with more cavalry crossbows. Bor pistols are notoriously inaccurate..." The riders were armed with Bor pistols, not crossbows, so I don't know where "more" comes from as they brought exactly zero crossbows with them. Compare the preceding section 197: "A troop of cavalry gallops forth, and you note that each trooper is carrying a burning torch in one hand and a Bor pistol in the other." I suggest getting rid of the word "more"; either that or change the sentence to something like this: "you [...] give thanks to Ishir that the riders were not armed with [the] more [accurate] cavalry crossbow." A bit odd perhaps, but it works.
Well, that was all, Anders Österberg----- Original Message ----- From: "Jonathan Blake" <blake.jon@xxxxxxxxx>
To: <projectaon@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> Sent: Wednesday, November 03, 2010 10:37 PM Subject: [projectaon] Comment Period for 24rw
On Tue, Nov 2, 2010 at 6:49 AM, Simon Osborne <outspaced@xxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:Time for a Comment Period? <http://www.projectaon.org/test/en/xhtml/lw/24rw/title.htm>Agreed. Let's begin the comment period on Rune War, ending on October 10th.If you're new here, this means that everyone takes a final look at the book before we publish it. I usually suggest that you simply play through it once and report any issues that you see here on this mailing list. I think this is the funnest way to check the book, and if we get enough people to do it, it can be reasonably thorough. However you do it, please take a look at Rune War in the next week. -- Jon ~~~~~~ Manage your subscription at http://www.freelists.org/list/projectaon
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