[projectaon] Re: Comment Period for 24rw
- From: Jonathan Blake <jonathan.blake@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: projectaon@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2010 11:47:25 -0800
On Wed, Nov 10, 2010 at 3:18 AM, Simon Osborne <outspaced@xxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
> For simplicity, I've collected all the reported issues here. I've fixed in
> xml all the (ne) issues, Rejected one (with reasoning), and added one of my
> own. I think we can go ahead and fix all but 168 (which might require a
> footnote), though a second opinion on 325 and the exact wording of the fix
> for 346 would be helpful.
>
> (er) The Story So Far: "thirty-three years after the First Order of
> the Kai were almost wiped out..." were -> was [ao, dd]
agree
> (er) The Story So Far: "he pointed to a landlocked realm east of
> the great River Storn." West. The landlocked realm [Eldenora] lies on the
> west bank of Storn, so it should read "west of the great River Storn." [ao]
agree
> (er) 168: [ss: it says "Rouf rushes into the cabin to untie his
> kin..." however, no matter which option you follow in this section, you end
> up being the first to go into the cabin, for example, Section 49: "... they
> see Rouf following behind you." You can't even say that Rouf went in,
> untied them, then came back out again, because he would have warned his kin
> about your attire.]
Proposed: Rouf rushes into the cabin to untie his kin, but you -> You
...with an explanation on the errata page. If you give chase
unsuccessfully in 230, I don't think it spoils the narrative to have
Rouf already in the cabin with his aunt and uncle. It seems natural
that he would do that while you're chasing the Eldenoran.
> (er) 174: maybe change the comma at the end of the third choice to an
> ellipsis
> (er) 226: (two changes) horde and, as of Vandyan himself -> horde, and
> as for Vandyan himself
I agree, because I suggested them. ;)
> (er) 325: Paragraph break before "For Sommerlund and the Kai!"
agree
> (er) 346: "you [...] give thanks to Ishir that the riders were not
> armed with more cavalry crossbows. Bor pistols are notoriously
> inaccurate..." -> "you [...] give thanks to Ishir that the riders were not
> armed with [the] more [accurate] cavalry crossbow." [so: Prefer: '...armed
> with more accurate cavalry crossbows.']
Or simply omit "more" since the next sentence makes clear why. Plus,
this would add a bit of narrative tension in the reader's mind as they
wonder why.
--
Jon
~~~~~~
Manage your subscription at http://www.freelists.org/list/projectaon
Other related posts: